Monday thirteenth of April 1812
Two days after my return from Kent.
Three days after HER rejection and what a long day this has been!
I should not have gone to Lady Worcester’s soiree.
Every woman I saw, I could not help comparing them to HER.
But in vain have I struggled. None of them would do. None of them can mend my hurting heart.
Miss Warwick’s eyes are dull, nothing compared to HER sparkling fine eyes.
Lady Blackmore’s form is awkward, not like HERS, light and pleasing.
Miss Eton’s singing was technical, and did not possess the emotion SHE has.
And Lady Worcester, what a simpleton!
How much money had her father paid for her education? How could she confuse Shakespeare’s poem with Wordsworth’s?
My Elizabeth did not benefit from the teaching of a governess and yet she could quote poets and philosophers without fail or error.
That is not true. Elizabeth Bennet of Hertfordshire, the only woman I thought would spend the rest of my life with and to bear my children, was indeed a simpleton as well.
She was ignorant of everything concerning Wickham. But then on the other hand – detection could not be in her power, and suspicion certainly not in her inclination.
How could she take such an eager interest in that rake's concerns?
How could she reply to the honour I bestowed upon her with so little endeavour at civility?
“I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry.”
Oh how angry and hurt I feel toward HER!
How could she expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of her connections? - to congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?
“Your manners, impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others”
But then what did she really know about me? To my own detriment I hid my feelings from her.
After all I assumed every one would know I am the best landlord in Derbyshire, the best master and the best brother.
I wish to never set eyes on her again.
“Had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner"
But if I ever do see Miss Elizabeth Bennet again, I shall show her just how ungentlemanly I can really be.
Diary by Fitzwilliam Darcy
Prequel to Bargain with the Devil
Re-posted from Reading with Monie